Sunday, May 9, 2010

Motherhood chose me....

If you had asked me, when I was 16 or so, if I ever saw myself as the stay at home mom type, or homeschooling, or home birthing, I would have cracked up laughing.

I was born and raised in the suburbs of New York City. I totally planned on college and work. Probably marriage, maybe 1 or 2 kids.

I started nursing school at a local community college, and fate stepped in. A friend arranged a blind date with a guy who went to a  4 year school with her fiancee. He was tall, handsome, funny, looked really good in a uniform. We met in early October, were engaged by February and married the day after he graduated in May.

At the wedding everyone told me to make sure to finish my degree.

Tell that to my ovaries!

 In 4 years we had 3 kids.  4 years later we had number 4. 4 seemed to be a good number, and we thought, at the time, that maybe we should quit there.So we did. And when he was 3 we talked about it again. And decided not to make any "permanent" changes to fertility.

 At a well woman check up 4 years after that, because I was having erratic cycles, I was told I probably wasn't ovulating regularly and should take my temperature before rising, and chart it. I charted for 5 months, I stopped charting when I started throwing up in the mornings. I pulled out that chart, but darned if I could tell where that temperature change was that was supposed to have indicated ovulation.

5 of 6 was my first home birth.  I wished we had done all of them this way.

2 years later my mother moved in with us, due to failing health because of long term diabetes. She thought we should go for number 6. I told her she was number 6. She died 3 years later, and I threw myself more fully into getting my oldest children ready for the adult world.

Four years later and again I was have erratic cycles, and I assumed I was entering the world of perimenopause. But erratic is annoying. A friend, well versed in herbals, suggested red raspberry leaf tea as a regulator.

Yeah, it regulated just fine. 6 of 6 was born a month before my 42nd birthday. Fortunately our oldest had been  out of the house for a few years.

I do not know why God, fate, the universe, chose me to be the mother of these children.  I still feel inadequate for the job. After 6 kids, I am still not patient enough, yell a bit too much. But I do try and give them room to learn and grow, let them become who they are supposed to be. Be supportive enough, I hope. Equip them for life in the real world.

I'd really like to rewind time, in each of their lives, so they were all young enough to still be home. So we could homeschool in our pajamas, or have movie day when we got snowed in. But 4 are adults now, one a teen, and then there is the 4 year old. And I can't rewind time. So I try not to worry about what I can't control, where they are living, jobs, education... And just let them be who they are meant to be. Be there when they need me, keep my mouth shut when they just want to talk and not be lectured, give good advice when they do finally ask for it.

I don't know why motherhood chose me, but I am very glad I have these 6 kids to mother.

 I hope they see me as the mother they needed.

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